Coming out of HIbernation

For the first time this year, I have had an entire week that I did not have to wear my North Face jacket or Ugg Boots.

FUCK YES!!!!!!!

I don’t like being cold, so I’m all over jumping right into Spring. I have been patiently waiting to put my coats away for the year and pull out all my sandals, shorts, and summer dresses. Warmth can’t come soon enough for me. Fuck being cold.

I have been doing a lot of ‘NESTING’ lately, preparing for the shift. Most of this nesting has manifested itself into yard work. Raking leaves has become my meditation. I can’t wait everyday until I can get outside, even for a few minutes to work on the yard. I have both a front and a back yard now, and I got BIG plans. Not really, I don’t actually know how to do shit in the yard, but I’m trying! It felt so good to clean up all the leaves and trash. I found surprises underneath all dead leaves and branches; I found little peeks of flowers.

If you know me well, you know I love flowers.

LOVE FLOWERS.

Love.

I love flowers.

Flowers should always be everywhere in my world. And, lucky me, after I cleaned the front yard, I found an entire yard full of daffodils, iris, tulips, and other leaves that I don’t recognize. The flowers were just there, waiting for me. Waiting to be uncovered from the heavy blanket of winter. Little spikes of delicate petals popping up from underneath layers of old, dead, heavy debris. These delicate little beauties stayed strong until they could be relieved of the crushing weight on top of them.

Well shit. Maybe I should come out of hibernation too. Maybe I should start to pull back the covers and start to poke my head out. Maybe the sunshine will pull me up too. Maybe there are some bright colors waiting to pop open if I tend to myself.

I want to come out of my long winter. It’s been a while.

For lots of very valid and justifiable reasons, other than work, I haven’t participated in much else outside. Other than walking Loki a million times a day, I’m at home alone. To walk Loki, I don’t get dressed or even pretend to care. I put my big sunglasses on and acknowledge no one we come across. Pretty sight. But, Loki is a big attention whore and has to talk to everyone. It’s a very weird situation: Loki begging for attention from EVERY person we encounter, making sure that EVERYONE sees him. And I try to slink down the sidewalk unnoticed.

I think the yard work has been a good transition and inspiration to my own preparation for Spring.

I shaved my legs. I won’t go into detail, but I took this round of isolation serious, like it was my job. Raking the leaves in the yard may have been less physically intense.

I feel like I’ve started to pull away the layers of my self imposed winter. The heavy layers of loneliness are peeling away.

I went out this week and was social.

TWO TIMES THIS WEEK.

TWO TIMES. Socially. One time with pants with a zipper and wore a real bra.

I went to the Pink concert Monday night. I wish I could tell you how much I loved it and how much it woke my inner rock star back up, but there are no words. Just this undercurrent of electricity that has powered up, and is warming up a little before it comes roaring out. I forgot for a while that I am a rock star. I forgot to be big and electric. I forgot how to plug myself in. I let myself become a folk version of myself. Lame as shit.

You fucking rock Pink. Reach out when you need some yoga. I got you.

I need to pull my leather pants and black eyeliner back out. I need to re-introduce my Spirit to me. She’s loud, and fun, and wild, and unapologetic, and fearless.

Side note: Thank you to all of you who gifted me my ticket to the Pink concert. I love you all. You have no idea the impact of being reminded what a bad ass bitch acts like has had on me. Thank you. I love you all. Ben, thank you for taking me. We had a LEGENDARY night that will live forever in my heart, and it lives forever in your $80 t-shirt.

Second social excursion:

I went out to lunch with a friend who I love deeply, but have been hiding from for over a year. Because of shame of being depressed. For being embarrassed at how much I am struggling; professionally, personally, financially and emotionally. I hid from her. I didn’t want her to see this version of me. But, I missed her. And in my transition to Spring and my reminder from Pink to be a bad ass bitch, I sat in front of her. Authentically. Not pretending everything was OK, but just as who I was on Tuesday. Nothing more.

And it was fun. And I missed her. I was warm and safe as soon as I saw her. My little flower petal head popped up to have lunch with another bad ass woman.

And we’re having lunch again next week. Look at me go.

I want to plant flowers and vegetables in my back yard. I want to build adorable benches for along the fence. I want to create a space that I have friends over for cocktails in. I want a vegetable garden that will give me some good shit, and enough to share with my friends. I want so many flowers that I can always have fresh flowers everywhere inside. I want to swim in flowers.

I want to share this space with people.

This is big. The weight of everything is still there, but there’s new hope and inspiration. The light peeked in, and I’m curious to follow it. I want more. I want to follow the light. Cautiously.

It’s going to take a little more time and patience, and a whole lotta Pink songs, but I’m digging out my ass kicking sandals, putting my winged black liquid eyeliner back on. I’m ready to combine this self exiled woman with the wild woman of my Spirit.

Maybe, I’ll wear pants with a zipper twice next week. Maybe I’ll use my phone to talk to someone, rather than just fall mindlessly into the Instagram black hole of loneliness.

And, real quick detour to maybe not my most wise self: Fuck you to those that sprayed your mist of shit on my flame. I’m back bitches. And I bite.

See you in class Nuggets.

Holly