Landslide-October 2018

I don’t know why, but October always messes with me.

For one, October always brings the cold, which I am not a fan of. I prefer summer with pool dates, shorts, flip flops, and feeling warm. October usually marks the end of my favorite season, and turns me into a monster looking for more layers of clothing and pissed that I have to wear socks. So there’s that.

A long time ago, I got married in October, today to be exact. Today would have been my 18th wedding anniversary. I knew that day, 18 years ago, that I didn't want to get married, but I did anyway.

Just two short years ago, my divorce was final on October 5. That day felt a million times more exciting than the day I got married. I liked my dress better too.

For the past two years, I have been in a mode of rebuilding.

October 5, 2016 · Today, I celebrate death. The death of fear and shame, the death of sadness and loneliness, the death of old stories that kept me trapped. I have new space in my body, and I’m feeling so much now that I have moved the toxic out. I will find my voice, and I will fill this new space with happiness, joy, and passion.

In other October news, the first time I ever practiced with Ana Forrest was in October 2013 at the Yoga Journal Conference in Estes Park. It was the first time I met the woman I considered my “hero”. I was in training with her by that Spring.

My experiences with Ana were not always full of unicorns and rainbows. But that is another story, for another time. More importantly, I was able to practice with Ana for the first time in two years last month. It was the first time being back in front of the woman that changed my life. She gave me different wisdom this time than ever before: Soften. Settle in. Go deeper. Stop fighting.

Fuck. All I know how to do is fight.

My birthday is next week. I’ll be 46. So many stories are swimming around my head.

-I’m going to be 46 and I’m still rebuilding.

-I can’t believe how much has changed in 2 short years.

-What will the next year bring?

-What will the next 2 years bring?

October has always been full of major moments for me. But, I’m choosing to stick with one theme for the rest of this October:

Soften.

Go much deeper into my needs.

Stop fighting.

Thanks Ana. I needed that wisdom, and I’m going in.

I’ve already done the demolition and chaos. It’s time to step into caring for myself the way that I want to be cared for. It’s time for me to softly recognize my power, without pulling a muscle. It’s time to start caring for myself with the utmost patience and nurturing, and put aside the fight to be good enough. I already am.

I’m ready for the rest of October. I’ve pulled out my coats and boots, ready for birthday cake. I’m going to feverishly push away bullshit. Anything I need to do to move gracefully into this exciting new season. The season where I am featured in a story in the paper. The season where my videos will be coming out. The season that I start making myself a priority.

Happy October.